This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads.

A gentleman has a rather strange problem. Every time he has gas, it comes roaring out in a sound that goes honda. He went to all sorts of doctors and specialists, internists, stomach specialists but nobody could help him. Being desperate, he went to an ancient chinese gentleman who did accupuncture and herbal remedies. The old chinese man said "you no have medical problem, you have tooth problem, go to dentist. Sure enough, the man goes to a dentist. The dentist found a hugh hole in his tooth. He fixed the abcess. Much to the man's surprise his gas problem disappeared. He gratefully ran back to the inscrutable Oriental to tell him the news. While talking, to him he asked the accupuncturist how he new it was a dental problem. The man replied: "Ancient Chinese Proverb goes, ABCESS MAKES THE FART GO HONDA." Submitted by: Gary B. Freedman

A True Story A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local lovers lane, saw a couple in a car with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater." "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in exactly twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen.

Q. How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?   A. Take your foot off of his head!! Q. What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A. Not enough sand! Submitted by: janice stephenson

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

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