1) Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when
you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
2) If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,
man, they're gone.
3) If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
4) To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
5) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
6) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
7) If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
8) Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
9) To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
10) I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some
11) Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that itself.
MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
12) If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
13) It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there rocking back and
forth wanting that money.
14) If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
15) As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
16) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
18) I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's
just eggs hatching.
19) Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is weird and the reason why I don't like to
read good books.
20) Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
21) During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
22) When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering
who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
23) Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
24) If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
25) Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they ever believe
26) Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
27) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
28) I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,
and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
29) If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly
act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
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