HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A
IN TWENTY EASY STEPS
1) Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it
in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a
baby. Talk softly to it.
2) With right hand, position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let
go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3) Pick the pill up off the floor and go
get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth.
Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across
floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.
5) Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up
half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call
spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take another pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel.
Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
16) Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his
head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off
17) Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats
can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around
it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With
fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly
close mouth (his, not yours).
18) Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and
talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
19) Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy
water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2
20) Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.
Copyright©2004 Robin L. Olson, Robin's Web, All Rights Reserved.