Irish Jokes

CONFESSION
Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me."
The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Ryan?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed hussey Brigid O'Reilly?"
"No."
"Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY....
(Thanks, Mo!)




An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

IRISH CANDLES
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met with
Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."





An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.” I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. 
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."





An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in
County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly
orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows,
but serves the man three beers, which he
drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the
three beers and orders three more. This happens yet
again. The next evening the man again orders and
drinks three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about
the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week
later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf
of the town.” I don't mean to pry, but folks around
here are wondering why
you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You
see, I have two brothers, and one went to
America, and the other to Australia. We promised each
other that we would always order an extra two
beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up
the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was
pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders
Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that
out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders
only two beers. The bartender pours them with a
heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the
evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around
town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of
the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man,
"Folks around here, me first of all, want
to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then
replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two
brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided
to give up drinking for Lent."