Thoughts on Life

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...
now I've got hair like Don King.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and
you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school
was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like
'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok...
they know me here.

"I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

If women can have PMS,
then men can have ESPN.

I have learned there is little difference in wives,
so you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational.
I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record
for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money
on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
are always complaining about being
broke and not feeling well?

Middle age is when you choose your
cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?