Moronic News Headlines

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

'84 War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Miscellaneous Excerpts from Classified Ads Around the Country (Authors Unknown)

  • 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool.
    Experience preferred.

  • Dog for sale: eats anything: fond of children.

  • Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does
    not smoke or drink.

  • Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.

  • Dinner Specials:
    Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.

More Headlines

  • Red Tape Holds Up Bridge
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Air Head fired
  • Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  • Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Some of the strange newspaper headlines and corrections collected by the Columbia Journalism Review over the years and displayed on bathroom walls at the Newseum:

''Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy,'' The Burlington (Vt.) Free Press, 1980.

''Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery,'' Buffalo (N.Y.) Evening News, 1975.

''Hillary Clinton on Welfare,'' Los Angeles Times, 1995.

''Literarcy Week Observed,'' The Meade County Messenger, Brandenburg, Ky., 1985.

''Parking Lot Floods When Man Bursts,'' The Herald-Sun, Durham, N.C., 1994.

From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine:
  • I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

  • I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms.

  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

  • Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

  • It's best for employers that I not work with people.

  • Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience.

  • You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

  • Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

  • I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

  • I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

  • As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

  • Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job.

  • Marital status: often. Children: various.

  • Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.

  • References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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Thoughts To Ponder
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

  • Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

  • If a funeral procession is at night, do the folks drive with their lights off?

  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

  • If a mime is arrested, is s/he told s/he has the right to remain silent?

  • Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

  • Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

  • What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?

  • Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

  • Is it possible to be totally partial?

  • What's another word for Thesaurus?

  • When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  • How do you know when it's time to tune bagpipes?

  • At the Special Olympics, do they have reserved parking for nonhandicapped people?

  • Why is it called a TV set when there's only one?

  • Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  • How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

  • How does a thermos know when to keep the hot in something hot and when to keep the cold in something cold?

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